****This is the blog I wrote last Wednesday but never posted****
I'm suppose to be going with my husband to the gym tonight.This was suppose to be me getting back on track, the beginning to my re-commitment to fitness. The idea almost brought me to tears as I left work. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to re-commit myself to fitness. I want my life back. I want to enjoy things again, to look forward to them. For almost a whole year I focused on little more than weight loss. I lost more than 55 pounds. Is it really so terrible that I've only lost 10 pounds since the New Year? It's not like I have 100 pounds to go...
I look at the 35 pounds left that I want to loose and honestly, I'm in no hurry. I'm proud of myself for what I've done but I want to enjoy life again. This doesn't mean that I'm going back to the way I was before. I still plan on getting to my goal, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly make excuses for WHY I'm not going to the gym right now. I'm tired of people EXPECTING me to lose the weight. This was suppose to be about me.
I have this block about the gym right now and I think it all boils down to the fact that I started losing weight for everyone else. The more people saw me lose the more they EXPECTED me to lose more. I started caring too much about what they thought. If they'd think I was a hypocrite if they knew I ate a REAL burger last night (though a Jr.) or that I have dessert (although a small amount) every day. And why shouldn't I? Unless it's eaten as an emotional reaction to something there is nothing wrong with me enjoying my food.
I eat smaller portions all day so I have that 100-200 calories left for something "bad for me". I am a chocoholic. I have the BIGGEST sweet tooth. As long as I'm continuing to lose (or maintain weight) and don't venture into "pre diabetes" I fail to see why that is a bad thing. Yes there are healthier things I could eat, but I don't want to.
Maybe I'm just rebelling, or maybe I'm just tired of feeling like I "owe" it to people to lose weight. I don't know. What I do know is somehow on this journey I got lost. I'm not sure what to do next. Part of me wants to quit the gym, to lose the rest through more fun methods like the Wii games and work out videos. I don't feel like I have to sacrifice my entire night that way. I also don't have to get so paranoid about other people that the stress makes me ill.
I know I am going to need to face these demons one day, but I'm not sure that's the best way to do it. Forcing myself to go just seems to either allow me to not push myself or give up too soon.
I'm suppose to be going with my husband to the gym tonight.This was suppose to be me getting back on track, the beginning to my re-commitment to fitness. The idea almost brought me to tears as I left work. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to re-commit myself to fitness. I want my life back. I want to enjoy things again, to look forward to them. For almost a whole year I focused on little more than weight loss. I lost more than 55 pounds. Is it really so terrible that I've only lost 10 pounds since the New Year? It's not like I have 100 pounds to go...
I look at the 35 pounds left that I want to loose and honestly, I'm in no hurry. I'm proud of myself for what I've done but I want to enjoy life again. This doesn't mean that I'm going back to the way I was before. I still plan on getting to my goal, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly make excuses for WHY I'm not going to the gym right now. I'm tired of people EXPECTING me to lose the weight. This was suppose to be about me.
I have this block about the gym right now and I think it all boils down to the fact that I started losing weight for everyone else. The more people saw me lose the more they EXPECTED me to lose more. I started caring too much about what they thought. If they'd think I was a hypocrite if they knew I ate a REAL burger last night (though a Jr.) or that I have dessert (although a small amount) every day. And why shouldn't I? Unless it's eaten as an emotional reaction to something there is nothing wrong with me enjoying my food.
I eat smaller portions all day so I have that 100-200 calories left for something "bad for me". I am a chocoholic. I have the BIGGEST sweet tooth. As long as I'm continuing to lose (or maintain weight) and don't venture into "pre diabetes" I fail to see why that is a bad thing. Yes there are healthier things I could eat, but I don't want to.
Maybe I'm just rebelling, or maybe I'm just tired of feeling like I "owe" it to people to lose weight. I don't know. What I do know is somehow on this journey I got lost. I'm not sure what to do next. Part of me wants to quit the gym, to lose the rest through more fun methods like the Wii games and work out videos. I don't feel like I have to sacrifice my entire night that way. I also don't have to get so paranoid about other people that the stress makes me ill.
I know I am going to need to face these demons one day, but I'm not sure that's the best way to do it. Forcing myself to go just seems to either allow me to not push myself or give up too soon.
What an amazing support system you have! So many times I hear about friends and family sabotage someone who is trying to lose weight. It looks like you don't experience that - you have your own group of cheerleaders.
ReplyDeleteYou're over halfway there - great job! Who cares if it takes a year or two (or more) to get there if you're doing it for the right reasons?