I feel like SUCH a failure...
I decided to go back to the gym after taking a few months off. While I told myself I'd still be just as dedicated at home through Wii games and workout dvds, I found my workouts less and less frequent. So today was the day. My husband's kept out old gym schedule so I figured I'd just go with him. No big deal, right? Wrong. I didn't even last 15 minutes on the treadmill.
I'm not talking about a "I was running so hard I had to stop before I passed out". I was walking, and it wasn't even a faster speed than I'm use to. I started getting short of breath from the beginning and I didn't know if it was my cold or if I'm just that out of shape now. Then more and more people came over to the treadmills around me, making more super aware of my breathing. At the fifteen minute mark I just freaked. I turned the machine off and went downstairs.
I figured I'd just be able to take a breather in the locker room for a few minutes and go back to working out. After all, I KNEW this was purely mental. I'm 6 pounds away from Onederland... I should be able to speed walk on a treadmill for goodness sake! But I didn't. I couldn't seem to pull myself together. I kept having flashbacks of high school.
As I walked out of the gym I noticed all the women there who were bigger than me. They were doing it. Heck, I've done it before. Why was I letting myself get psyched out? But instead of rising above it, turning around to finish my workout, I left. I sat in the car feeling like a complete failure while I waited for my husband. It's like I'm starting all the way back at square one.
I decided to go back to the gym after taking a few months off. While I told myself I'd still be just as dedicated at home through Wii games and workout dvds, I found my workouts less and less frequent. So today was the day. My husband's kept out old gym schedule so I figured I'd just go with him. No big deal, right? Wrong. I didn't even last 15 minutes on the treadmill.
I'm not talking about a "I was running so hard I had to stop before I passed out". I was walking, and it wasn't even a faster speed than I'm use to. I started getting short of breath from the beginning and I didn't know if it was my cold or if I'm just that out of shape now. Then more and more people came over to the treadmills around me, making more super aware of my breathing. At the fifteen minute mark I just freaked. I turned the machine off and went downstairs.
I figured I'd just be able to take a breather in the locker room for a few minutes and go back to working out. After all, I KNEW this was purely mental. I'm 6 pounds away from Onederland... I should be able to speed walk on a treadmill for goodness sake! But I didn't. I couldn't seem to pull myself together. I kept having flashbacks of high school.
As I walked out of the gym I noticed all the women there who were bigger than me. They were doing it. Heck, I've done it before. Why was I letting myself get psyched out? But instead of rising above it, turning around to finish my workout, I left. I sat in the car feeling like a complete failure while I waited for my husband. It's like I'm starting all the way back at square one.
Hey, lady - I know I'm a bit late to this party, but still want to check in. Sometimes there are days where fighting this same old battle is overwhelming. And exhausting. We may hide behind a tree for a bit, but we're still in the fight! You can walk back into that same gym, and this time leave a victor.
ReplyDeleteJust want you to know I'm rooting for you! And I can't wait to see your Onederland post. :-)
Stopping in from AlltheWeigh's FMM. Looking forward to reading more of your blog - you are so close to Onederland. I hear your pain and frustration about your workout. I've recommitted myself to going to the gym 5 days a week so I can get over that starting fresh hump I always hit by going once this week and not the next, then twice the week after, etc. Keep at it - you'll get there. www.learningtolovethegym.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThanks. I work and go to school full time so there's no way I could go 5 days a week, but I do think I need to recommit myself to going more frequently.
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